Be Happy

Lately I've been wondering how do we know if we're happy. Like whats the measurement for happiness and what do we measure how happy we are against. Like for example imagine your perceived happiest moment of your life and that is your pinnacle of happiness that you can measure the rest of your happiness from. Everyone has a different pinnacle of happiness and therefore we all will perceive being happy differently. I don't know if I'm actually making sense to anyone.

Recently I've just been feeling a little bit unfulfilled and a little unhappy.

Ok so it's my senior year and I have a full-time job and I'm just trying to get through this year and graduate right? But like what's my purpose right now? Last year I was all about getting an internship and proving myself and then I went to study abroad in China. Purpose. Now all I do is go to class, watch Netflix, eat and sleep. I obviously need to find a hobby or something. So back to be being unhappy, I think part of it is that I don't feel like I should have anything to be unhappy about but I can't help but feel like there's something missing. Like today for example I woke up and I just had an overwhelming feeling of like unfulfillment and and boredom. I guess my life has been pretty fast-paced and fun for the last 8 months of my life and coming down from that has kinda been tough for me. It's hard for me to complain about something like that too because it's like "Oh I'm not happy because my life has been so interesting the last 8 months and now it's not as interesting". It's not that being here isn't interesting it's just different and I shouldn't complain because I'm a senior in college with a job and people would kill to be in the position that I am in right now.

So what can I do to fix this? I honestly don't know. Updates when I figure that out.

I forgot I had this

Yeah I've been really bad at keeping up with this. So I've been in Shanghai about 4 weeks now and I love it here more than I thought I would. The city is like New York City on crack. There's so many people and it's impossible to go on the street without hearing car horns and smelling a mixture of street food and trash. The area of Shanghai I am living in is considered residential but to me there's nothing residential about it because it feels like I'm living in the city. Our school campus is beautiful and a nice escape from the city. So where do I even begin to describe my time here so far?

Night life:

Ok I feel like I should start with this because this is literally all I ever do. I would say that I go out every weekend most of the time Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. I never thought I'd be someone who goes out that much but it's actually been a lot of fun. So most of the time we go clubbing which is a refreshing change from the house parties I'm use to in Indiana. The clubs here are all incredible and I rarely pay for anything. From what I understand the clubs here want foreigners at their clubs to make the place more lively. It's weird because most locals at these clubs just kind of sit around? Yeah I don't know why but they all must be like ballin because those tables they sit at cost a fortune in terms of RMB. It's going to be really weird when I get back to The States and can't order a drink at a bar because I've gotten so use to it here.

Food:

The food here is AMAZING and it's everywhere and it's killing me. It's getting to be a problem because I want to eat everything and it's disgusting. My favorite thing here are Lillian Bakery egg tarts, if we pass by Lillian I have to get an egg tart and they're only 4.5RMB which is about 75 cents. Food is so affordable here it's not uncommon for my full on restaurant dinner to be less than 5 usd. In fact if I'm paying more than 10 usd for a meal here then it better be pretty fucking incredible because I am not about that life. I'm gonna be so fat when I get back. Kill me.

Shopping: 

As far as like mall shopping goes, I haven't done much of it. To be honest I really haven't done much shopping in general which is like really surprising because thats like literally all I do in the US. Clothing stores here are pretty pricey...well actually it's pretty comparable to US prices which in Chinese terms is very expensive. Unless you're shopping in the small like kiosk markets outside of the mall most clothing stores range from 200-1000rmb. I've also noticed most the stores at the mall are foreign stores which begs the question...are there any Chinese clothing brands? I also spent an afternoon at the Fake Market underneath the Shanghai Museum of Science and Technology. It's a pretty typical fake market mostly catering to westerners. I didn't really buy anything but it was a fun experience and I'll probably go back to pick up some sunglasses. The problem is that I don't like to bargain because I always feel like I'm being ripped off. I may need to start using TaoBao instead.

School:

The actual reason I'm here or whatever. Basically my classes are from 10am-4pm most days. I take Chinese Mon-Thurs 10-12 and then my business classes from 1-4. I don't particularly like any of my classes here but they're not too bad except for one. Chinese class is ruining my life. I do like 6 hours of Chinese a night which is absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary. Basically they put me in 3rd year Chinese and considering I don't know how to read shit I'm struggling hard. Send help.

Ok I'm tired of typing now. Bye. 

China Rambling: 5 days and counting

I'm only going to be in China for 3 months but I will be experiencing the tail end of winter, spring and the beginning of summer so I really don't know where to begin packing. Not only that but March-May is rainy season in Shanghai and I don't even have rain boots. I guess it's time to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to do some shopping once I get there. This is scary to me for two reasons: 1. my Chinese is mediocre at best and 2. I don't know how to barter and I never will. I may need to resort to using taobao.com for everything if I don't figure out this bartering thing soon.

So I'm leaving in 4 days and none of this feels real to me yet. Like I've said before change fucking terrifies me and I'm scared of so many things. What if my roommate hates me? What if I don't make any friends? What if I get super homesick and have a nervous breakdown? What if I hate everyone? What if I get my organs harvested? Either way there's really no turning back now so I guess I'm just going to have to make the most of it once I get there. Everyone keeps asking me "Are you excited?" and ok, what kind of bullshit question is that? I'M MOVING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND I CANNOT SPEAK THE LANGUAGE. Yes, I'm excited but mostly I'm having an anxiety attack.

THERE'S NO CHIPOTLE IN CHINA:10 Days and Counting

In approximately 10 days I will be living on the other side of the world for three months. Have I packed? Hell no. Am I ready to go? Hell yes. Don't get me wrong this 2.5 month winter break has been fun but I'm ready to study abroad. Mentally ready that is, I haven't even started packing or even come up with a packing list yet.

Today I thought of all the things I will miss having in China and since my blog is literally just lists why not add another list. 

In no particular order.

1. CHIPOTLE CHIPOTLE CHIPOTLE
2. Dr. Pepper
3. Clean air
4. My own bed
5. In 'N' Out Burger
6. Personal space
7. Louis (he's here as I write)
8. Grass
9. Seeing Mexican people
10. Seeing Indian people
11. English
12. My Fwiends <3
13. My Fambily<3
14. Free speech
15. The right to bear arms
16. Capitalism
17. Driving

Sleep, Work, Eat, Netflix, Repeat

So lately I've gotten into this routine of accomplishing nothing everyday. I'm not exaggerating. Just one month ago I made a "New Year's Resolutions" list, I'm failing miserably. The only part of the list I feel like I'm  actually accomplishing at the moment is whole "watch new movies" part. Yeah, I'm killing that resolution. I know I only have 3 months left before I go abroad but I feel like I should be doing something in that time. Like learning something or creating something. Yeah yeah yeah, I have a full-time job or whatever but it's not enough for me.

Here's my day...

7am: Wake up and get ready for work

8am: Arrive at work and start the day

12pm: Lunch

3pm: Contemplate suicide to get out of working 

5:30pm: FREE!!!

6pm: Netflix/Internet

7pm: Dinner

7:30pm Netflix/Internet

2am: Sleep

My life is actually so pointless right now.

Trouble is that I just don't know what to do and  there's like 6 million things I could be doing. 

Top 6 things I could be doing instead of what I am actually do now:

1. Learn some goddamn Chinese I'm going to be living in the country for like 3 months and I look Chinese but I can't read it or speak it very well. Excellent, they are going to hate me there.

2. Working Out haha no

3. Learning Photoshop this is a skill I would love to use to impress people/make myself look better in pictures

4. Read a book basically I am failing at this and it's also on that list of resolutions

5. Cleaning my room it's like an episode of Horders in here

6. Learn how to vlog how cool/embarrassing would it be to watch those kinds of things in the future?

Now I obviously can't do all of those things in the next 3 weeks but I could probably at least attempt like half of them. Tomorrow I will get off my ass and try to accomplish something after work! 

Sidebar for a second. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO NOT TEXT BACK, ONLY I CAN DO THAT. NOW I HAVE TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY PUNISH YOU.  Or you know...it's whatever, it's not like I care. Whatever. idk. bye.

I think I'll try cleaning my room tomorrow. That sounds doable. This whole entire blog post is just like a mess but I think I'm going to publish it anyway. In the off chance someone does read this...I'm sorry.

I'm sure other people do this too...

Ok when I'm alone at the grocery store or the mall or whatever I talk to myself in my head as if I am vlogging. I know some people will talk to themselves but I talk as if there is an audience that I am talking to. Other people to that too right?

It goes a little something like this.

Me: "Ok so I'm just gonna grab this cart. When did these carts get so huge? You know I read that when the cart is bigger you're incline to buy more. Hmmm what do I need to buy? Sometimes I feel like I just come to Target just to look at stuff. I'm so lame. Ok let's go over to makeup section because let's be honest I'm going to end up there eventually anyway."


I'm not crazy.

Changes

Whenever I'm in interviews or whatever I always tell people that "I love new experiences" and "Change is exciting for me". I'm not lying but it's not entirely true. I firmly believe that change is usually for the better but that doesn't change the fact that it scares the hell out of me. A part of me wants change, constantly. Never a dull moment. The other part of me clings on to things that are familiar to me. It's like that feeling when you're so incredibly happy you could live in the moment forever.

I can feel things changing around me right now and I don't know if I like it.  -internal screaming-